dear diary

dear diary,

remember when i used to talk to you about how i couldn't cry? remember when i used to tell you about how i'd lay in bed and try my hardest to squeeze some form of relief from my eyes, only to fall asleep on my dry pillow? remember when i used to pretend that not crying was a good thing, and would puff out my chest as i told people that i had only cried ONE time since i was thirteen? well, let's just say i'm not that guy anymore. i've cried twice this year already, which is more than i have in the past twenty one years. maybe all the years of holding in my emotions is starting to catch up with me. maybe this has been an unusually difficult year. or maybe i've finally reached a point in my life where i'm truly comfortable with letting go.

i think my heart used to be bigger, no, really. i know for a fact, at one time it held more love, more kindness, more forgiveness. not that it isn't still filled with all those stellar attributes, but somehow it feels smaller, and maybe a little less concerned. maybe my heart is the total sum of everything i love, and every time i lose a loved one, to death, or a failed relationship, maybe i also lose a small piece of me. over a period of time, all those loses have left me with a much smaller heart. so how do i overcome this small heart affliction? well, if i'm lucky, i can make my heart bigger. i can find new things to care about. i can invite new people into my life, and i can take a chance all over again. the bigger a heart gets, the more painful it feels when loss is experienced. this is why so many people lust rather than love. it's also why it's easier to let a good thing slip through your fingers, than give effort to keeping it. ultimately, it's the FEAR and PAIN that keeps people running in the wrong directions. i for one am done being one of those people.

reciprocity. in a perfect world, if i reciprocated what people gave me, i'd be happy. unfortunately, most people tend to give you way less than you feel you deserve. in this scenario, reciprocating means you start giving less as well. suddenly, no one is giving anything, which means no more relationship. the reality is most relationships ARE NOT built on reciprocity. most are built on one person giving a little more than the other, and tolerating what that person isn't willing to give. this notion is the basis for what i call the "star theory". the star theory is simple, in 95% of all relationships, if we're honest, we'll have to admit, one person is the star. and the star, no matter how great they may treat you, is unable to reciprocate the same level of love and interest being thrust upon them. this is why i believe in 95% of all relationships, one person is with the person of their dreams, and the other person feels, there MAY be someone out there who's better. only in 5% of all relationships do i believe both parties, if given a choice to pick who they have vs. who's out there, would pick each other again. so why's everyone picking the wrong people? maybe love is like black jack. conventional wisdom says if you're dealt an 18, you hold. you don't risk going for 21 because you may crap out an lose the 18. the pain of being in and out of bad relationships even causes some people to fear losing a 16, 15, or 14. once again, FEAR and PAIN become the weapons that keep us from the happiness we truly desire.

so where does this all leave me? it leaves me a work in progress. as much as i know about women and relationships, it's obvious i haven't even begun to know enough. i am a recent divorcee, which means for all of my theory, i'm a failure. but that doesn't make me want to throw a pity party for myself, quite the contrary. it makes me live life urgently, like a gun is pointed at my head and every decision depends on my survival. i live in the moment, i don't put things off, i try to say what i feel when i feel it, because i now know how precious time is. i also know how precious people are. there is no excuse for not investing in people in this life. "thank you" goes a long way. so does "i'm sorry". so does "i love you". so does "thinking of you". so do phone calls, emails, and text messages. and holding hands, kissing, making love, and doing whatever you must to make someone feel confident and wanted. i've made this promise to myself, if i like someone, i'll tell'em. if i love someone, i'll show'em. but i will not settle for excuses, or those who can't reciprocate what it is i'm trying to give. you can't hate a person for not giving you what you derserve, but you can hate yourself for sticking around to deal with it. so from here on out, what i feel is the only truth, and if someone doesn't make me feel good, i don't need them. i can deal with things not working out. i've promised myself, in the future i won't be afraid to shed tears, or take a chance on someone in order to make my heart become a little bigger than it already is. the truth is obvious. i am not who i was yesterday. i am different. i am better.

- hardCore