dating: the survival game

“At such moments, you realize that you and the other are, in fact, one. It's a big realization. Survival is the second law of life. The first is that we are all one.” - Joseph Campbell

Dating is a dirty dirty game. I'm not saying you'll need to develop super powers to make it, but make no mistake, it's rough out there and survival is key. And survival means having a survival code. Below are my rules that help me survive the game, where the getters get, and the naive get got. Enjoy.

(by the way, these rules were written from a male's perspective, but for the most part, they hold true for women as well)

1. EVERYBODY HAS SOMEBODY.

No one is truly alone. Everyone has someone in their life. Sometimes it's not the person they want in their life, but everyone has someone. Upon meeting someone new, ask them if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend, and they'll most likely tell you, no; which may be true. But it doesn't mean they don't have "somebody". Maybe it's somebody they are trying to get rid of. Maybe it's somebody they can call when they want to go out for a movie or dinner. Maybe it's the booty call somebody, or the friends with benefits somebody. Or maybe it's somebody they're trying to get, or somebody trying to get them. Just remember, just because someone says they are single, and is spending time with you, never think you're the only one, because everybody has somebody.


2. THAT "FRIEND" AIN'T JUST A FRIEND

Is there such thing as a platonic friend? Yes, I have a few. However, most women (and some guys) DON'T. What most women call "friends", are exes, or homie/lover/friends. It's without fail. If he's calling and texting early in the morning, or late at night, that's not a friend, that's a "friend". You know, the one she meets for breakfast or lunch all the time, that guy she has an emotional reaction to when he calls like, "geez, what does he want?". She'll never in a hundred years admit to it. But they have been together. Therefore, always protect your feelings. When dating someone, assume that friend that is closer than close, has truly been closer than close. Long term it will protect you from being shocked, or feeling misled when the truth does surface.


3. YOUR FEELINGS COME FIRST

If you're good people, like myself, it's easy to do what good people do, put other's feelings before your own. If you feel yourself trying to get in someone else's head, wondering how they are feeling, STOP! Don't do that. That kind of stuff comes down the line once you're IN a relationship. But when you're dating, your feelings come first. If you don't like something, don't deal with it. If you train yourself to NOT listen to your likes and dislikes, you'll end up in a deep relationship with someone you didn't really want to be with in the first place.

4. PAY ATTENTION TO PATTERNS.

When you're getting to know someone, you'll notice people are very true to their patterns, when they are telling the truth. When their patterns switch up, that's when they are doing something shady. For example, I know from years of experience, when women are digging a guy, they share more information than they have to. You'll be on the phone with her, and she'll click over, then she'll click back and say..."that was just my friend Nicole". Or maybe it's, "that was just Mom". Then one day the phone will click, and she'll click back and won't say anything. Guess what, that other dude just called. Then it's "hey, let me take this call". And when she calls back, she will most certainly make no mention of that call. Yeah, that was "the other guy". How do you deal with that? Reciprocity. I'm not saying play games, I'm saying share no more information than is being shared. Click over, or even get off the phone so you can "take this call" as well. It's simple, do unto others, but don't get done by others being shady with how they do unto you.

5. BEWARE OF BUSY PEOPLE.

Busy people are cool to meet, difficult to get to know, and even harder to maintain something with. Why? Because most busy people use busy to their advantage. We all have jobs and responsibilities. We all have family and friends and try our best to manage our time and maintain those relationships. But don't fall for the okie-doke. After people establish they are a "busy" person, they tend to use busy like it's a huge curtain they can disappear behind to do who or what they really want to be doing. "Sorry I haven't hit you up in a week, I've been busy". Or how about this one, "I meant to shoot you an email, but I was too busy". The truth is, I'm a busy person too, so yeah, I know how it is to be running a thousand miles per hours in all directions. But, I also know people make time for things they really want to make time for. It takes 10 seconds to write an email or send a text message. Takes an even shorter amount of time to dial a number. So when people don't answer your emails, don't answer your texts, or don't return your phone calls because they 're busy--that's the perfect time to get busy kicking rocks. Either they are truly too busy for you (doubt it), or they are busy pursuing who they'd really rather be with. That's cool too, it's all in the game. But never get caught chasing somebody who ain't chasing you back.

6. KEEP IT REAL

There is no excuse for dating someone under false pretenses. Be bluntly honest always. "Look, I enjoy kicking it with you, but I still want to date other people". Just like that, expectations are maintained. You'd be surprised how easily it is to clear the air and prevent a bunch of drama, just by keeping it real. Unfortunately, most people NEVER keep it real. So even if you are honest enough to put it all out there, don't expect the person you're dating to do the same. A lot of people are just programmed to be sneaky--to keep a little truth for themselves. But if you choose to go that route, don't think the other person is Boo-Boo the fool. They know. They probably just don't care, or aren't speaking on it because they're doing their thing on the side too. It's all in the game I guess. But why play those games? Even after you know you like someone, that doesn't mean you ONLY like them. Embrace the process of getting to know someone, and don't invest solely into one person until you know that's what they are really trying to do with you as well.

7. STAY COOL FOOL

Your emotions are valuable, don't waste them. Don't allow yourself to be baited into silly arguments or mind f*cks. You can not blame someone for not being, or not acting like you want them to. You can only blame yourself for continuing to deal with it. So do yourself a favor, don't play this game with emotions. Keep your poker face on until you reach a much deeper point with that person where you feel like you can truly trust them. Then and only then should you think about revealing the deeper layers of you.

8. END IT THE WAY YOU STARTED IT

We put so much care and energy into how we begin situations. We go out of our way to be kind, courteous, and charismatic. We display a level of humanity that tells someone we're good people. So why do we become people who don't give a f*ck when it's time for things to end? Things happen. People make mistakes, and so do we. But the world is small, so don't burn bridges. We invite people into our lives putting our best feet forward, so don't go showing your ass when it's time to kick them to the curb. Maintain that kindness. Maintain that honesty. And be compassionate. This is a person you may never have to see again, or it may be someone you have to still see every day. Either way, the last thing you want is someone with negative energy towards you floating around in the world. When you end it on a good note, your name, stays your name. You don't have to worry about it being tarnished. Besides, there's this little thing called Karma that has a way of coming for you when you least expect it.

Aight, that's all I have for you. Use it or don't use it, that's on you. Just understand, sometimes the game is actually more checkers than chess. Sometimes the game is not about capturing "the queen" or "the king". Sometimes, the game is about survival--not about getting, more about not getting got. Navigate the board correctly, avoid the traps, and just like that, even you, a simple piece on the board, can get to be The King. One luv.