the tiger years

(the Columns and Jesse Hall @ The University of Missouri-Columbia)

"one day it'll all make sense" - common

In college, I was somebody...I barely remember now. This nonchalant, too cool for school guy. His overall outlook on life is fuzzy to me, but I definitely used to be him. He wore bright white tennis shoes, kept a gold herringbone chain gripped loosely around his neck, and made sure he had the cleanest/shiniest car on campus hands down. Always waxed, Black Magic always on the tires. That kind of sh*t actually mattered to him. He was kind of quiet, never the rah-rah type, but if you got to know him, you'd be like "ole boy is cool people." And if I showed you pictures of him back then, you'd be like, "yeah man, that's you". But the truth is, nah, that's not me, that's him. See, in the twelve years since I graduated, I've changed. Not like Winter into Spring. More like night into a brand new day. In fact, I've changed so much that, although I remember most of what I did in college, I really have a hard time remembering who I was. I remember laughing a lot, but was I laughing with people, or at people? I remember being low key, but was it because I was in my own world, or because didn't care to be in your world? And for all those people I passed on the yard every day who I locked eyes with briefly without having any exchange, was it because I wasn't on their radar, or because they weren't on mine? I'll probably never know those answers. The interesting part is that I'm even asking myself these questions. Recently, for the first time in ages, I was confronted with my college days...my Tiger years. And it has me rexamining how I remember myself, as well as how others remember me.

Two weeks ago, I'm at work chillin. Phone rings. I answer. "Corey, go to this website!". Umm, hello to you too homie. It was my girl Naomi sounding like she was going to jump through my phone and type out the URL for me. I must admit, I was skeptical. University of Missouri Black Alumni website? Hmmm. In theory, it was a great idea, a place to reunite old friends and serve as a networking tool for old alums. But would people really participate and share, or would they sign up and never put any energy into growing the site? Or better yet, would it be like back in the day, everybdy all cliqued up in their own little circles, never fully embracing the opportunity to explore this small community? Surprisingly, everyone seemed to jump right in, head first.

There's something pretty cathartic about getting to say hello to people again. Or just seeing what they've become. I can honestly say I'm happy to find out what successful family and business people my classmates have become. Graduating was like turning my back on everything I've ever known and climbing a mountain in search of a better life. And finding this site was like reaching the top of that mountain only to find everything and everyone I thought I had left behind, sitting right there at the top. I guess we all chose to move in different directions, yet in our own ways, we all made it. Putting oceans between you and your past reminds you life isn't so much about the destination, but the journey. And I definitely respect my classmates journey, as well as my own. We all went through tremendous hardships, sacrifices, and loss to get here, but nonetheless, we're here. That's why I can cruise the website clean, no longer mad at anyone who ever wronged me back in the day. It's also why I can relink with those I considered friends and embrace those I never really got to know with open arms. The truth is, I'm different, and so are they. None of us can probably remember who we were back in the day, or all the trivial stuff that happened. And for many, they simply don't want to. And that's cool. Because who we are today, is all that really matters.

During my time on the website, I've smiled, laughed, and enjoyed revisiting old places that live as dusty memories in my mind. Whether it's seeing the face of an old crush who will never know I secretly liked her as much as I did, or finding out some former knucklehead is the father of three, it really is just good to see people after all this time. Reading people's comments, and listening to them share memories of me has also helped me understand something important. I might not remember who I was back in the day, but they do. And according to them, I wasn't so drastically flawed after all. By their accounts I was funny, charismatic, and brought a lot of joy into people's lives. Yeah, it feels good to have matured to the point where I can look back at myself with the wisdom of an old owl perched high above in a tree. But it also feels good to realize that even when I was young and dumb, in the quietest most insecure stage of my life, when I was making tons of mistakes--at my essence, I was good people. That's something to be proud of. I mos def like who I am today, but thanks to my alumni website, I've also learned, I got love for who I used to be as well. Funny, suddenly it all makes sense.

One luv.